I have been challenged to write a series on spousal relationships to help individuals learn how to enjoy fantastic intimacy without having the drama. In future posts, we’ll look at how clinginess, narcism, and being a control freak can get in the way of love. We’ll also address why people end up with spouses who aren’t right for them and why some people just can’t devote.
These issues might not sound positive, but the good news is that understanding more about how things go wrong in romantic relationships can teach us how we can make things right. In this first column, we’ll take into account why intimacy can be so attractive– and so unpleasant. Then we’ll understand some pointers for approaching intimacy in current or future intimate relationships.
What Is Affection?
What Affection Really Implies.
Is affection love? Is it excellent lovemaking? Is it just feeling comfy with someone else? Some say it’s relating to physicality; some say it’s about feelings; some claim it’s relating to “clicking” intellectually. Mental wellness professionals normally work from the meaning posed by developing psychologist Erik Erikson, who defined intimacy as “openness, discussing, shared trust, self-abandon, and commitment … [with] a way of shared identities.” Shakespeare took a more poetic approach (not surprisingly), describing intimacy as a bud transformed into a “beauteous flower.”.
Regardless of what intimacy is, it’s clear that it’s complicated. And it’s something we crave. Take a casual look around and you’ll find people looking for affection. We witness buddies having heart-to-heart chats, partners smooching, old married individuals looking after one another. Affection is in our music, the films we watch, and the books we read. For many of us (perhaps even those who love to be single), a little something in the back of our consciousness is often on the hunt for that very special relationship.
It can be beneficial to think of intimacy as a “Field” of sorts. When individuals are “outside” the Field (in other words, whenever they don’t feel affectionate), they can chat, have fun, argue, or have lovemaking without much emotional investment. Intimacy without affection is nice, but forgettable. A disagreement without any affection stings, but is pretty easy to let go. A good time without any affection is just another good day– and not much more.
Intimacy, Meet Vulnerability.
When a man or woman enters the Field of Intimacy, things change. Their significant other becomes incredibly important. The intimacy is more meaningful. The fun has magic. And the disagreements hurt– a lot. Although it’s wonderful and worthwhile, genuine affection has a peculiar disadvantage: It can be very painful, and it can lead to people doing things they would not “ordinarily” do, from obsessing over a disagreement to really feeling rejected if a spouse neglects to respond to a message.
As Shakespeare also said, “The course of real love never ever did run hassle-free.” The (sort of) good news is this: We’ve all been there. And we can learn from one another’s encounters.
Digging Much deeper.
What Affection Really Means.
In coming short articles, we’ll get an even more in-depth look at issues of intimacy and vulnerability, including rage, clinginess, narcissism, and commit-phobia. Even though the meaning of “intimacy” is largely varied, there are some parts to affection that are genuine throughout the board. I strongly recommend people keep these things in mind as they take into account the intimate relationships in their lives:.
Affection is psychological and physiological. As intimacy cultivates, the physical body releases powerful hormones like oxytocin and endorphins. It’s a chemical high that opens people up.
The Field of Affection can trigger people to remember (and perhaps even re-live) former experiences of closeness. If a particular person was poorly treated by a member of the family or spouse in the past, they may fear this suffering will happen all over again. In some scenarios, this unconscious anxiety can make anybody clingy or controlling.
Maturescence is demanded to make intimacy work. While excellent sex and deep bonding can transpire to everybody when we’re younger, these aspects alone aren’t sufficient to make things last. So as to make it, significants other need to acknowledge that they will, at times, let down, insult, or annoy one another. This is just the way it is.
Most of the time, people are captivated to the very individual who will damage or deny them. Individuals often ask me, “Why do I date such jerks all the time?” The response is that the non-jerks (a.k.a. nice fellas or gals) do not fascinate them– at least not yet.
Affection is hard. It tests us. It asks us to give up our feelings of being in charge. It is also, very usually, worth it. In the midst of relationship drama, there are lessons for making it all work. Stay tuned.